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katy bee

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we're just a million little gods causin' rain storms, turning every good thing to rust
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so i don't know if you guys have heard about the company influenster, but they have a program where you review different products that you use and then based on that information, they will send you free products to try/review.

recently i got the new SUGAR N' SPICE VOXBOX, which contained the following items, that I'm going to review:

- Colgate Optic White toothbrush/toothpaste/mouthwash
I love this teeth cleaning system from Colgate. The toothpaste tasted minty fresh and visibly whitened my teeth in a few weeks of usage. The toothbrush is probably the nicest toothbrush I've ever had - it has a circular patterning of bristles which really gets in there and cleans off all the plaque. Plus, it comes with a tongue scraper on the back of the toothbrush head! The mouthwash tasted a little funny using it right after the toothpaste, though. Not bad, just not the minty taste I was expecting.

- Nectresse Natural No Calorie Sweetner
I hated this product. I'm not much for fake sweeteners to begin with. I'm more of a sugar in the raw kind of girl. This product claims to be natural but it tastes just like your average sweet and low. It made anything I put it in taste unnatural and way too sweet. It came in individual packets which is convenient i suppose - although if you're using the sweetener at home, I don't get why the extra packaging is needed since you can easily just pour the sweetener into whatever you want it on (seems like a waste of material to me). The product seemed like it was trying to come off super healthy/all natural but it's really just fake sugar.

- belVITA Breakfast Biscuits
These were pretty good. I don't know if I would spend that much money on them or eat them for breakfast, however. Mine came in a cinnamon flavor, which was very tasty. They were kind of like a mix between a cracker and a cookie. They come wrapped in individual serving sizes, with each package containing about 4 biscuits, if I'm remembering correctly. They were super tasty, just not something I would eat for breakfast normally since they weren't very filling. They were 230 cals. for the package. Definitely a convenient on the go breakfast if you're running out the door and don't have time, though!

- Dickinson's Witch Hazel Face Wipes
Loved these. So convenient to take w/ you anywhere. The wipes are individually wrapped, which was great for if I was sleeping out for the night or was on the go. You can visibly see what dirt/grease, etc. is taken off your face right on the wipe. Cleans your face w/o drying it out, which is sometimes an issue with facial cleansers. Leaves your face feeling moisturized and CLEAN!! I've never used witch hazel before, but it's definitely a product I would consider using in the future. I didn't have any breakouts or anything after switching to this product from my usual clean&clear facial cleanser. It helped clear up my skin better than what I was using before.

- Vaseline Spray and Go Moisturizer
Loved this product as well. Super easy to use, dries quickly (so you can put pants on or what have you right afterwards without feeling sticky!), moisturizes well, and smells good.

I suggest each and every one of you sign up for this program! Who doesn't like trying new products for free?! It's an awesome way to learn about new products you wouldn't otherwise know about and to share that information with others!
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[Sunday the 23rd
i keep losing sight of what's important. i haven't felt like myself in so long and i don't know why. i keep getting so down on myself and reverting back to my old ways before realizing that hating myself isn't going to fix anything (although sometimes it really seems like it might make things easier or give me a reason).

i feel worthless. i keep trying to determine my self worth through other things and then i just feel fucking pathetic.....but try to convince myself that i'm acting like this for other reasons. maybe it's because i stopped running. maybe it's because i gained some weight back (even though i've been exercising like a motherfucker but i've also been stress eating because i hate school/my living situation/fucking everything right now. fuck.) i'm depressed, i just hating admitting it and don't know how to deal w/ it. plus i'm stressed about rent/how poor i am/my future/christmas presents/stupid shit that i feel like i'm making up in my head from these insecurities and it's just all festering and getting worse and worse.

i need to start running again. i need to lose weight. i need to hang out w/ people who actually give a fuck about me, instead of desperately clinging on to the wrong people so maybe they'll show me that i'm worthwhile. what a fucking joke. what is wrong w/ me? i feel so lost. so unlike myself. this has been a terrible year. a fucking roller coaster. i don't even know where to begin. i'm so overwhelmed i just want to bury myself under my blankets and sleep it all away.
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[Saturday the 10th
i feel so lost at school. i lose my motivation for art and reading, the two main things i love to do when i'm all by myself. w/o spending time creating, i feel like all my emotions are pent up and i'm just so antsy and anxious and overwhelmed and i don't even know what i'm feeling exactly, just unsettled.

i feel like i've been forcing myself to try and feel something significant since my breakup but it's not happening. i finally got over it all and got some clarity but then as soon as i was back to myself again, i left for school. although i don't hate it here like i did my freshman year, this still isn't the place for me and i don't think it ever will be. i feel so lame because at home i'm always so incredibly happy. i'm surrounded by so many people that i care so deeply for and am so comfortable around. i hate my anxiety and my uneasiness around new people because it really is so hard for me to let anyone in, at all. but, i still need a sense of belonging to feel happy; content. i have friends here and i love them, but not in the same way that i love my second family from home. i became so close to kelly, melissa and michael here and i was so looking forward to this year because i thought everything was going to be so much better. but, kelly's always w/ tj or working and never goes out. michael left for home and i don't think he's ever coming back. melissa thinks she's leaving after this school year and she was the one person here who really understood where i was coming from.

i can't wait for college to be over. and, i feel lame for needing my best friends to be at my happiest. i feel lame for wanting to plan my life around having them there. i've always been really untrusting and therefore really selective about who i let into my life/who i decide to become close with. i wind up loving everyone in my life way too much haha.

i've struggled this semester w/ staying on track. i've skipped basically a month of my psych class. i skipped 2 weeks of my hebrew scriptures class, a couple weeks of organic chemistry…and, the thing is, i don't even fucking care. this isn't where i wanna be. i don't wanna do work. all i do is lay in my bed and watch tv. i just wanna be home. i wanna feel inspired. i feel like being at school has just consistently drained me since i started here.
i'm not depressed, i'm just……blah. i just don't care.
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lists upon lists upon more lists [Wednesday the 25th
things to do when I have money....

- scarf/shawl in geometric/navajo pattern
- turquoise stone jewelry
- thrift levi's mom jeans and cut them into high-waisted shorts
- uggs (short ones in tan and maybe medium height ones in the mint color?)
- doc martens (look on amazon for cheaper ones, flowery print)
- jean jacket
- keds in fun bright color (or something similar..)
- new moccassins (ones like danielle's but in grey)
- black leggings w/ cuts on the side/other fun leggings
- black skinny jeans, thrift them and distress the front/make cuts
- small over the shoulder bag/purse
- acid wash jeans/jeggings
- colorful shorts! high waisted or not, distressed, studded, add fun patterned fabric to back pockets!)
- colorful jeans!

- hair curler
- hair bleach (bleach all of underneath or just a piece near the front of my hair?) and hair dye in fun colors!
- new over the ear headphones

for apartment:
- cheap tapestries
- throw pillows
- jewelry holder
- posters/paintings
- hangers
- a cheap dresser (look on craigslist and tag sales)
- fun little nick nacks to decorate with
- MUGS/BOWLS/PLATES (hand thrown and random cute ones from salvation army....bowl mugs like ones i had at mom's)
- coffee machine! lots of coffee and tea
- drapes! thin, see through ones that will look through when light shines through, in fun color (should hang christmas lights under them as well)
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[Friday the 13th
- work on FAFSA
- do laundry
- pack for school
- study for ecology
- clean stinky's cage
- get shit out of my car and into muh room
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lists lists lists [Monday the 2nd
- black ripped jeans/leggings
- high waisted jean shorts, cut offs - thrifted
- leopard print dress, corset top
- jean jacket, light weight - thrifted
- more flannel
- long hippie skirtz and simple tank tops to go w/ 'em
- black leggings, if i can't find mine
- fun red lipstick
- hair curler
- fedora w/ feathers on the side
- tights, since i've ripped all of mine
- black shorts w/ pelvic bones painted onto the butt
- shorts w/ fabric sewn onto back pockets (fun patterns!)
- crochet vest
- tie dye crop tops with fringe/beads
- thigh high socks
- corset crop tops
- bandeaus for underneath loose tanks (thrift tees and cut up into fun tanks --> tie/cut backs into cool designs like beatles tank i have)
- buy cheap plain tees/tanks and paint 1) sugar skull, 2) bob marley/lion (outline/shadow colored in?) 3) ribs/spine (white paint) painted on black tank
- cardigan w/ fading colors like girl in religion class
- book on daoism and a book on yoga

i guess i'll go on a salvation army/target trip this week sometime so i won't feel so bad about spending $ i shouldn't haaaa fml
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[Thursday the 23rd
kim-li said something to be last night about how her mom asked her why i'm never over there anymore (i used to be over her house basically every day in high school) and she told her it's because i have a boyfriend now. it urked me because i'm not as close to her or liz anymore. i love them both a lot but they hang out a ton by themselves now instead of inviting me. we stopped hanging out because my house caught on fire and i was living a town over for a few months and could never hang out. then, on top of that, she got a boyfriend and was never around. i tried to hang out with her but she was always with him, so eventually i just gave up. now that she's single and i have a boyfriend, she decides to blame the fact that i don't see her as often on him instead of realizing that the reason we don't hang out as much is because she could easily invite me to come over when her and liz are just hanging out at her house (i live right down the street), but they don't. i only see my boyfriend a few times a wk and that includes when we're together with friends. instead of assuming that i'm busy and hanging out with my boyfriend (even after the countless times that i have told her that i rly don't see him that often), she should at least see if i'm available and not just jump to conclusions. i still try to text her and liz to hang out sometimes but it's hard because we all have jobs and i feel like our schedule's don't mesh very well. whatever. i'm still rly hoping that i can hang out w. them more (and mollly!) because i love those three so much and i want to be closer like we used to be.

things to save for @ school:
- a beeeyouteafull bowl
- a tattoo, possibly
- colllege, duh

things for this summma:
- some type of piercing, maybe
- new gauges, since i lost the stopper things on my tapers
- SHORTS, since i only have two pairs
- the rest of my $$$ goes to college, weeeee
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[Sunday the 22nd
tonight's plans consist of listening to music while unpacking/cleaning my room, applying for more jobs online, reading the last harry potter (so i'm all caught up for the last movie :'( wahhh) and maybe watching some scrubs (i'm addicted). about a month ago i applied to a few cvs', walmart, petco, target and macys. cvs and target both called to set up an interview but unfortunately by the time i got home a week or so later, the positions had already been filled. since being home i've applied to kmart (who called for an interview but isn't taking seasonal workers so that's a no go), jcpenney, forever21, two victoria's secrets, h&m and who knows what else. i hate looking for jobs and i'm literally broke. i have $20 in my bank account which will give me less than a 1/2 a tank of gas since prices are so high now and i only have 1/2 a tank left in my car. all that has to last me until i get a find a job since i don't wanna rely on my mom's money until i find something - which i'm rly hoping i do, not only because i want to have money this summer but because i need something to get me out of the house and away from everything for a little while. i don't know what to do with myself and i genuinely enjoy working for my own money so i can get around and cover most of my own basic needs so my parents don't have to worry about it. it's driving me crazy being so focused on how much money i have/how i have to be careful of how much i drive 'cause i got so used to always having money after working so much once i got a car. i'm just praying forever21 works out since they're doing interviews again in a couple wks. god damn, i hate worrying about money
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[Tuesday the 3rd
this is gonna be a fatty post haha. stuff to buy w. my extra pts from my meal plan before i go home:

- annie's mac nd cheese instant packets
- pita bread
- snap pea crisps
- pita chips
- vitamin water
- bag of apples
- honey bunches of oats
- box of tea
- sour patch kids
- granola

i have less than two wks of school left, thank god. i'm so ready to get the hell out of here. some girls from my building were talking about how sad they were that it's over on fri. and i just looked @ kelly like.....is that supposed to be normal? haha 'cause neither of us enjoyed college. i'm hoping next year will be better but i think this place just makes me feel too antsy. i'm so stuck here that i feel claustrophobic. plus everyone that i've met here has been temporary -which i guess is partly my fault- except for maybe one person other than my roommates. any group of people that i've started to hang out w. regularly this yr have been because of some guy that turned out to just be trying to get in my pants, which did not turn out in their favor, hence the temporary friendships ha. i'm glad i have self respect but i feel like evn when i did "click" with people here, it was nothing like the people i've gotten so close with from home - they're my family and i love them to death. my friends from home are all so unique, and downright weird and crazy sometimes but that's what makes them so interesting and fun to be around - i never know what to expect....and they're all so accepting and welcoming of new friends. that's probably how they became my best friends too since most of the friends i have i've known since childhood or i met because they started to talk to me. i'm too shy and even when i tried to be outgoing here it never turned into anything. i guess i wasn't used to making friends, rly and starting ovr just seemed so extreme, and still does. i'm kind of embarassed of how friendless i am @ school. i go out some weekends but mostly i spend my time on my own.
today was my last psych class, which kelly and i accidentally slept through haha so i've had nothing to do all day. tomorrow is the last day of classes for the entire semester and then i have a week and two days before i can leave. i have my religion and psych finals on tues., but i have a 96 in psych w/o studying the whole semester and religion isn't cumulative, so i won't wind up studying until this weekend unless i get really bored from the lack of anything to do. my bio final is on thurs which is the only final i'm rly worried about just because i have so much information to memorize. throughout this entire year we have gone through 54 or so chps. of information, it's ridiculous. the sad part is i don't evn remember the majority of it because i am not interested in plants/cell processes/genetics or any of the like, which was 7/8 of the year. my last exam is chem on fri morning which i'm not even bothering worrying about since even when i study hard i wind up doing exactly the same - plus the questions are supposed to be easier, just more in number sooo hopefully i'll actually have a chance haha.
going home is gonna be relief. i can't wait to sleep in my own bed, eat real food, set up my room so i have my own space again and mostly, see the people i love. my car is about to die and i'm broke as fuck and need a job however so until i find one who knows how much driving or hanging out w. people i'll be able to do since i have no money for gas. either way, i'm ready to pack up my life here and move on to better things.
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[Friday the 18th
mmmm this is exactly what i needed! i got a new bio prof today since they split up the semester into two profs since they have to do research and things. he is sooo much better than who i had for the first part of the semester. he actually keeps me interested so i can actually learn. we're learning about things i actually find interesting right now too i love it :) we're doing things about different body systems, so a bunch of stuff like i did in anatomy and physiology but a lot more simple haha. but i'm learning about whales and fish and different organisms maintaining their homeostatic environment. i am such a nerd but i've been waiting to actually enjoy what i'm learning about. school was too painful before haha 'cause all the classes for my major were extremely strenuous/time consuming and not interesting to me @ all but now i'm actually learning about animals instead of fuckin' seaweed and ferns weeeeeeee

this has been a sucky week 'cause i had chem/bio exams and chem/bio labs due and a religion quiz today but now i'm excited to go out tonight and see mike and go downtown with kelly later and go to the greyhound shelter tomorrow/watch harry potter with kellllyyyy :) yayyayy
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