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[July 04, 2009 | 01:43 AM] |
srsly, i want some witttle kittens. i need something to keep me company when i'm home because i don't want to be around my argumentative family. i'm always off on my own, away from evryone. i do it on purpose so i can avoid dealing w. unnecessary problems, but it still gets lonely and i wish i still had aiko to keep me company.
blah. idk what to do w. myself. i keep trying to look at schools to go to but honestly, i'm having trouble finding a good school that has the majors i'm interested in that's not too far away. i wish i could go as far as i wanted, but i feel like dad keeps holding me back. i kno he doesn't want me to go too far away but i want to go to a school that has a good program for what i want and i'm having trouble finding a school like that that i would like around here. honestly, if i could, i'd get out of the fucking country, far away from here but i feel kindof guilty for just wanting to get up and leave my family because i kno how much it would upset my dad, mostly. but i feel so trapped here. i don't want to do anything that upsets my dad and it sucks. i wish i could shake myself out of it because it always winds up holding me back somehow.
i wish i knew what i want to do w. my life. i kno i want to do something w. animals. but looking for a school that offers zoology, wildlife biology/marine biology and pre-vet is difficult. evry career i look at that i'm sortof interested in sounds silly. i don't rly want to cure animals, i want to take care of them. but idk...i thought wildlife rehabilitation sounded cool, but then mom told me that barely anyone can get involved in that and it's rly difficult. not knowing what i want to do makes me feel so lost and confused. i wish i was already out living my life and not stuck here, doing the same thing with the same ppl all the time. i need something NEW.
i feel bad because i get so easily sick of the people that i hang out with. even when i hung out w. more people and different groups of people, it would happen. i can't get rly close to someone and hang out w. them a lot w. out getting sick of them and it sucks. i just need to take breaks from people sometimes, but sometimes it's like a couple months and idk, i feel like i ruin friendships so easily. it's like i don't get too attached to people or something because i've gotten so used to losing people.
things to do:
- carve something into the wood piece i got and then paint it
- trace moon/sun design on the wall behind my bed and then paint it
- do a photoshoot of my fwends that aren't on my wall yet to add to the pictures i have, to make it look even (in color)
- figure out where to put the drawings javi gave me
- get 3-d paint and do designs on wooden 'BEE' (my nickname)letters i bought, and hang in my room (above b&w pictures?)
- buy tapestry to cover my closet
- save up money for europe + vibes ($100 or more if i can for each)
- get bks to read for summer reading
- get fake sunflowers to hang on wall
- replace orange drawer things w. something else
- find another little bowl to put earrings/jewelry in
- get my nose pierced w. sam!! (save up $30-$60)
- buy hamsters or something cute to put in that cage that's just wasting space in my room
- buy a fish eye and wide angle lense - after summer
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| 10. |
[July 02, 2009 | 02:13 AM] |
01. i rly want to set things straight w. you, 'cause i guess someone's told you the wrong thing.
02. i give up. you were such a waste of time. i wish it was different.
03. stop expecting evryone to just hand things to you!
04. you make me uncomfortable because i know that you're always judging me harshly, because that's what i did when i was like that.
05. you are such a crazy bitch, you don't deserve to have a son like javi.
06. sometimes i wish i understood what was going through your head, 'cause you barely evr make sense.
07. uhhhhh i wish we'd hang out.
08. i feel like you've forgotten me as a friend and i know that's my fault. but i don't think i'm ready to start hanging out w. you again yet. i still love you as a person, you're just difficult sometimes.
09. i feel like i'm annoying you, constantly.
10. i wish i could talk to you more easily, like it used to be.
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[June 30, 2009 | 02:49 AM] |
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i hate feeling like i don't have enough time left and i wasted all that time i DID have.
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[June 26, 2009 | 01:55 AM] |
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i'm getting so sick of everyone. or maybe not everyone but just the people i'm closest to and idk. i hate losing people. i hate how confusing not being close to you anymore is because i don't kno how to feel about you anymore or what's going on in your head and i wish i wasn't replaced. always. i hate how you're such a dick sometimes for no reason and how i still don't know why i had an anxiety attack that night and how i was having difficulty thinking straight and i couldn't figure out what i meant and then you were told things that weren't and aren't true. i hate waking up to hearing you talking about me and wanting to correct you but being too nervous to say anything. i want space from evryone. i've held on to too much again =/
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[June 13, 2009 | 11:29 PM] |
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i feel so trapped and confused. i can't wait to get the fuck out of here! i just wish i knew what schools i want to go to...haha whooops
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[June 10, 2009 | 06:10 PM] |
seriously, i am so fucking frustrated w. you! you said you wanted to talk/hang out but when i tried you kept breaking plans and now whenevr i try to talk to you it's just awkward. don't act like you care if you rly don't! i don't get you at all, what the fuck. like, i had stopped being annoyed at our whole situation before haha and then you had to try to talk to me again and then act like you don't evn care. i'm not explaining this well at all, but uuuugh, you just make me so frustrated! like i actually want to talk to you again and get to kno you, but i don't wanna be wasting my time. and i wish it seemed like you act. wanted to hang out, 'cause i'm getting mixed signals and it's rly confusing. but, just so you kno, you didn't break my heart haha that's ridiculous. and, you couldn't have dated me, 'cause if you asked me out i prolly would've started to back off. i hate titles.
blahhhhh
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[May 13, 2009 | 06:04 PM] |
i am so lost.
=/
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[May 13, 2009 | 05:22 PM] |
blahhh. i wish i had more self control.
01. you make me SO nervous. i wanna start hanging out w. you again 'cause i kinda miss you, but i still feel like you're not rly interested in talking to me, evn tho you're the one who asked why we don't talk/hang out anymore. idk, you're hard to read. i feel like i try SO hard to overcome my anxiety and talk to you. i'm not just talking about now, i'm talking about before too...and idk if it's worth it because it's just...rly frustrating. i feel like i'm getting nowhere. in the fall i felt like i did w. ben ish, which is weird. somehow i trust you a lot but i barely kno you. i feel like i try to impress you or something and i just feel so lame. i wish i could be more comfortable so you could see how i rly am, but idk if you'd evn want that.
02. i feel like i'm always trying to get your attention and it sucks. i don't try to be like that either 'cause i hate it, but it just happens. it makes me feel rly insecure haa. i trust you a lot, but you act so much differently around me when it's just us compared to when we're w. a group of ppl. i don't like you anymore and i hope you kno that i haven't in a long time...idk if someone told you what i said that night we drank but i was having an anxiety attack and having trouble explaining myself. i nvr kno how i feel towards you, but evryone thinks i still have feelings for you. i don't and i don't want to, we make good friends.
03. why do you lie so much? it's so frustrating. i don't kno if you're evr telling the truth or not and that just makes me loose so much trust in you. i feel like most of what you say is just a plea for attention and it's getting on my nerves, i'm sick of listening to it. i wish you could just be honest w. me so i could understand you better. i'm sick of defending you for the things you do when i'm questioning them myself and ashdkal i wish you would just talk about it, instead of trying to hide everything or avoid it. we're more alike than you think, so i get a lot of why you do things. i kno we're slipping apart but i am just so constantly frustrated w. our friendship and how much you've changed. i don't wanna loose you as a friend. i'm WORRIED for your safety 'cause ily.
04. you get mad about the smallest things and it's so dumb. i hate having ppl i care about mad at me and when you bitch at me for things that don't evn matter, it's frustrating. stop being offended by EVRYTHING, it's not like i'm trying to make you angry, it's like you're looking for something to be angry about.
05. i get why you feel insecure 'cause i'm rly insecure too, but i wish you didn't let it affect so much. it's frustrating because you just won't snap out of it
06. i liked you more when you were more laid back and not as tense/easily annoyed.
07. I MISS YOU! come back home. i need you here so i can get away from all these peopleeeeee ugh
08. i wish we hung out more 'cause we're a lot of alike, so i trust you a lot and always have. i like how you're so down to earth and not dramatic like so many other girls
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