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[04 Jul 2009|01:43am] |
blah. idk what to do w. myself. i keep trying to look at schools to go to but honestly, i'm having trouble finding a good school that has the majors i'm interested in that's not too far away. i wish i could go as far as i wanted, but i feel like dad keeps holding me back. i kno he doesn't want me to go too far away but i want to go to a school that has a good program for what i want and i'm having trouble finding a school like that that i would like around here. honestly, if i could, i'd get out of the fucking country, far away from here but i feel kindof guilty for just wanting to get up and leave my family because i kno how much it would upset my dad, mostly. but i feel so trapped here. i don't want to do anything that upsets my dad and it sucks. i wish i could shake myself out of it because it always winds up holding me back somehow.
i wish i knew what i want to do w. my life. i kno i want to do something w. animals. but looking for a school that offers zoology, wildlife biology/marine biology and pre-vet is difficult. evry career i look at that i'm sortof interested in sounds silly. i don't rly want to cure animals, i want to take care of them. but idk...i thought wildlife rehabilitation sounded cool, but then mom told me that barely anyone can get involved in that and it's rly difficult. not knowing what i want to do makes me feel so lost and confused. i wish i was already out living my life and not stuck here, doing the same thing with the same ppl all the time. i need something NEW.
i feel bad because i get so easily sick of the people that i hang out with. even when i hung out w. more people and different groups of people, it would happen. i can't get rly close to someone and hang out w. them a lot w. out getting sick of them and it sucks. i just need to take breaks from people sometimes, but sometimes it's like a couple months and idk, i feel like i ruin friendships so easily. it's like i don't get too attached to people or something because i've gotten so used to losing people.
things to do:
- carve something into the wood piece i got and then paint it
- trace moon/sun design on the wall behind my bed and then paint it
- do a photoshoot of my fwends that aren't on my wall yet to add to the pictures i have, to make it look even (in color)
- figure out where to put the drawings javi gave me
- get 3-d paint and do designs on wooden 'BEE' (my nickname)letters i bought, and hang in my room
- buy tapestry to cover my closet
- save up money for europe + vibes ($100 or more if i can for each)>/s>
- get bks to read for summer reading
- get fake sunflowers to hang on wall
- replace orange drawer things w. something else
- find another little bowl to put earrings/jewelry in
- get my nose pierced w. sam!! (save up $30-$60)
- buy hamsters or something cute to put in that cage that's just wasting space in my room
- buy a fish eye and wide angle lense - after summer
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